This time of year always fills me with such mixed emotions. I have this wild desire to race around and tie up all the loose ends remaining from the old year and yet race ahead and start planning for the new one. I saw a sign the other day that said: Never look back because that is not the direction you are going. How profound and yet with the close of the year....that is all I seem to be doing is looking back. Maybe I am trying to find out what worked and what didn't so that I hopefully won't be repeating past failures in the new year. There is also the possibility that I am having separation anxiety from the current calendar year and simply don't want to let go of what I know and am comfortable with. Hmmmmm
This year was about change for me. I, as usual, set goals for myself......and as usual....failed dreadfully with most of them. Much of this you witnessed right here in my blog. You got to see the good, the bad and the ugly.......the really, really ugly. While I did lose sight of some goals....I actually did achieve some other goals I didn't even know I had. It wasn't a terrible year and yet like all years.....it definitely had it's ups and downs. I wrote more and had some personal accomplishments, but at the same time.....planted myself firmly in my own way not allowing myself to accomplish other things. I grew a back bone where some where concerned and remained jelly in the sight of others. I stepped outside my box only to find that sometimes a box is okay if it has doors and windows and you aren't afraid to go beyond those walls from time to time. Of course.....you just don't want to dart out into oncoming traffic.....which is kind of what I did, but venturing out is a good thing. Life lessons....they were all life lessons.
I learned this year that it is okay to step back and regroup when life overwhelms you. I found myself on the brink of disaster and once again humbled beyond words and am still in the process of fighting back. I realized that time is flying past and where my kids are concerned I don't want us to just exist.....but to get to live some too. I have watched David hit further milestones and to some degree we seem to be beating the beast called seizures. We learned about Shriner's Hospitals and now have a visit scheduled for the new year. I have watched Z grow and mature and become an awesome young man (even though he has the ability from time to time to drive me to drink). I have gotten to see him perform and to continually go after his dreams and put behind him some of the painful past. His strength is amazing as is David's and most days I am in awe of the two young men who reside in my house.
This year I have been fortunate enough to meet some new friends, reacquaint myself with some old ones.....and sadly....lose a wonderful one. There has been laughter and tears and once again I have realized how blessed I am to have the friends I have and how much they mean to me. Over the course of my life I have cultivated some wonderful friendships. What is amazing is that some of those friendships have lasted decades and are still in tact. Time and space have not tarnished them a bit and whenever we are together it is as if no time has passed.Yes....I am truly blessed.
Another amazing feature of this year has been that at this stage of my life.....2011 held a few firsts too. Z had a first dance, a first time at karaoke, a first time where mother and son were in a bar together and a first job. David had some firsts too....the most important of which was starting 4th grade. And yes....I too managed a couple of firsts myself. I had my first dating experience as a 40 something woman and I got my first tattoo. It was also the first time since my late teens/early twenties that I dedicated myself to prolific writing and although I didn't manage 365 consecutive blogs.....I did manage to write A LOT!!!!
So someone asked me what my New Year held in store and what my resolutions would be. Well....being that I am not psychic, I have no idea what is in store for me.....and I rather like it that way. That way I get a new surprise each day. As for the resolutions???? Perhaps I should resolve to gain 30 lbs, be poor and never move from my couch. The way my resolutions go.....this would mean I would lose weight, get rich and exercise my heart out. As it is though....I think this year I simply resolve to let each day be it's own, to roll with the punches and to try and learn a little something with both the good and the bad.
Since this very well maybe my last blog of 2011 (unless I get to feeling sappy tomorrow), I would like to thank all of you who have read my blog throughout this year, all of you who have commented and all of you who follow me both here and on facebook. Some days....knowing that you guys were reading was the only thing that put excitement in my day. I hope that 2011 has played fairly nice with all of you and that 2012 brings each of you peace, joy, understanding, hope, happiness and a great big helping of love. So with this I bid a fond farewell to 2011 and to 2012 I say.......Bring it on!!!!! Happy New Year everyone!