Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Strange to be back on the computer again. I haven't done much even on facebook in several days. I feel a great big disconnect in my world and I have no idea why. It was as if I woke up the day after my birthday...a different person. I don't feel the same, look at the things the same or even desire the same things. I feel very alone.....but not the least bit lonely. I feel extremely irritable.....but not at all angry. I feel like I need to step outside my box......but I don't feel boxed in at all. Not sure where all of this came from, but I do know that there was not a want, but a need to blog today. I felt as if a lot of emotions were coming to the surface and I needed to put them in their place. The hard part was turning on my computer. The device which I am usually attached at the hip to.....I had almost a repulsion when thinking about actually having to use it. Strange after the years long, daily affair I have had with it.

Today there is no topic and no theme to my blog. Today is just my thoughts and emotions running wild and coming out....as they come up. This is much how my blog originally started way back when, so I guess I have gone back to the basics. Again...I have no idea what is going on inside me. I don't even recognize me right now. Literally I feel as if I woke up someone else on Oct. 16th. All the things I thought I wanted.....thought I needed.....thought I felt, are gone. I feel this determination for something, but I am clueless as to what. My sleeping hours are short but restful. My waking hours are long and full. It seems I am piling a great deal on myself, maybe testing myself to see what I can accomplish. I actually have been accomplishing. I have some directions but where it is leading I have no idea.

I suddenly have quit worrying about the unimportant things. I don't care what people think or say about me (which I really didn't before....except when I did) and I don't feel the need to be heard anymore. That is huge because that is the crux of who I am. Perhaps I have felt so out of control for so long and truly without a voice.....that I have needed to be heard. Maybe this blog is my need to be heard or maybe....it is just my way of screaming into a pillow at the top of my lungs? Again...no idea. I feel as if a part of me if fighting to keep my head above water, while another part is swimming beautiful with no regard for time, distance or depth.

I know I spoke of determination.....and this is something that is so powerful inside me right now. I feel determined to accomplish. What? I am really not sure, but there is something and it feels like it is just within my fingertips. I will know it when I touch it, but until then......I keep striving with this unbelievable determination. Does this all sound strange to you? It does to me too!

In spite of all that I am feeling and the words that you are seeing.....I am good. In fact.....I am better than I have been in a very long time. Maybe the reason for this is because I don't feel like me. The me I had become felt faded, old and tired. I imagined myself as some kind of old flowered wallpaper that resided in an old lady's parlor. It was pretty and new at one time, but now it was just a vague reminder of the past. Now though.....I don't feel like that. I feel as if things are changing. I don't feel so faded. I feel as if the color is coming back and with it the fire that gives me those extreme emotions I have been lacking. I haven't felt happy in a long time, but happiness (true happiness) seems to be sneaking its way back in. I don't feel so tired now. I feel refreshed and ready to greet whatever my future holds and I don't seem to dread the bad but honestly am looking forward to the good which I know is there. The old....I cannot change. If we are lucky......we all get there, but I am not yet there. I still have much to see and do....many to fight with, laugh with and love. Age will come.....but old will always be just up over the next hill and I have many hills yet to climb before I get there.

So who am I now? I have absolutely no idea. All I know is who I was when I went to bed Oct. 15th and who I woke up to be Oct. 16th are two vastly different people. Will the new me remain? Will the old me come back? Only time and God will tell, but for now there is change and change is good. Right?

1 comment:

Marni said...

First, let me say....Ahhhhhhh....I am home again with having your blog to read.
Second....WOW!!...what a blog. All I can say is it just made me smile. I have always seen a light in you that for some reason you just could never let out...you could never see yourself. But many of your friends saw it and have just waited. Waited for you to "wake up one morning" and know that there is a life out there for you. JUST for you and that you deserve it!!
Just keep on keeping on girl!!!