I Promise

As I write this, it has been exactly one week almost to the minute that our world got flipped upside down and inside out. Yes, it has been one week since I was given a letter of eviction from my brother and told that our home was no longer our home. It has been the longest, shortest, worst, most amazing week of my life.

Truly, I didn't know that 7 days could speed by like this, but looking back and realizing that most of my days ran into each other because there was no real sleep and that each waking moment was filled with strategizing, begging, hours on the phone and of course blogging made some of those days feel like time had stopped and I was living in slow motion. I won't lie, this whole thing was a pretty severe gut kick that knocked me down pretty hard for a moment. Only in the last 24 hours have I been able to even start processing any emotion other than the urgency to fix all of this.

My emotions are pretty raw in a way, but then again, there are people in your life that you really expect nothing of. They kind of play on a loop in the background of your world and are only there because of familial or emotional ties....or worse....guilt. If they surprise you and do something positive, kind or generous you emotionally re-evaluate their presence in your life and pull them to the foreground. However, if they do something that is negative, hateful or damaging, you still re-evaluate their presence in your life, but in some cases, you move them completely out of it. It is here that I am currently stuck....evaluating and re-evaluating certain relationships.

I still feel like I don't have a complete picture of what went on last Saturday. Other than the obvious....we got evicted, I feel like I am lost. It is kind of like walking in late to a movie with a very complicated plot and trying to figure out what you have missed. Everything in me tells me there is more to the story than I know.

While my brother and I have always been two very different people who saw the world and people with very different eyes, I would never have thought him to be sneaky or deceitful and although he does have a rather dark sense of humor, I never saw him as a cruel individual, especially towards family. I still don't, so that is why I am baffled at what felt like a sneak attack where this eviction is concerned. Why was I not included in any conversation about the possibility of this house being sold? Why was I not given an opportunity with more than a 25 day timeline to find a solution, make a plan or pray for a miracle? Why was I evicted and not just talked to? None of it makes sense. I keep thinking there has to be more to this story that will make me understand why he/they felt the need to treat me in such a way. There has to be something that I am missing.

And my dad..... My gut is literally screaming that something is wrong here. I don't know what but again, to think of him other than as a dad with the best interest of his kids and grandkids in mind is really hard for me. Granted, he has not been tremendously emotionally supportive....ever, but he has helped us out over the years financially when things were rough and of course allowing us to live in the house.  I just can't see him just evicting us without a conversation and some advanced warning regardless of the situation. My mind can go to some pretty dark places trying to come up with possible scenarios that might make sense and I have had to just shut it down and quit looking for answers where he is concerned.

So last night, as I was on my seventh night of little to no sleep, I made a deal with myself. Too much is going on right now to drive myself crazy trying to figure out the whys and wherefores of  all of this. I am sure that before all is said and done, I will probably know more than I care to. Right now, I have to stay focused and stick to the business of saving David's home. This in itself is going to take every ounce of my mental and physical capacity to even come close.

The next couple of weeks are going to be tough. This is a fight that I wasn't prepared for and I am having to go in blind as this whole process is out of my wheelhouse. Still, I don't back down when it comes to David and we may not win, but it won't be because I didn't put every ounce of my heart and soul into the battle. I truly don't want anyone in this situation hurt anymore than has already happened, but I didn't put this situation into motion and in order to fight this fight, I have to fight this in a way that gives me the possibility of the best outcome for David's future. What I won't do is fight dirty because that makes me no better than those I am fighting against.

And yes, I said this week had also been the worst and most amazing too. The worst is probably pretty self explanatory, but there has been so much amazing too. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that so many people would be willing to fight right along with us. I have been overwhelmed at the generosity of my community, friends, family and strangers. The outpouring of love and prayers and the willingness of people to come together and help David keep his home is amazing. Sometimes the worst things have to happen, in order for you to see and appreciate the best. This week we have had a hefty does of both and no one will ever know how grateful we are to be witness to such kindness and generosity of spirit, of community and of humanity.

So along with promising myself that I would keep my focus on what is important and not on what I have absolutely no control over, I also promised myself that I wouldn't let this break either I or David. I promise to remain strong, to fight with dignity and fairness and to never, ever forget to be grateful for my blessings and to pay all of this forward every single day for the rest of my life.

I promise!

Normal?

Normal. What an obsolete (in my opinion), strange word. When David was born and in the NICU, I was told by nurses, doctors and other parents with special kids that we would establish a new normal. Heck, I myself have also told parents with special kids the same thing over the years. The reality though is...What is normal? Normal can mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people. What I have learned is that whatever you consider normal is fluid. It can change in the blink of an eye. It is kind of like we are constantly resetting our world as to what is normal for the moment. If I had forgotten this, it came back very clearly to me on February 3rd.

The problem with being faced with a crisis that absolutely takes up your every breathing moment is....that it can't. Even in the face of crisis, the world keeps going on around you and especially if you have a family, the routine of life can't just stop. I remember when Tim died and everything fell out of my world, I just wanted everyone and everything to stop and let me catch my breath. How could people be going to work, taking walks, grocery shopping and even laughing......when my world was completely devastated? The truth? Regardless of what happens in life, the world does keep spinning and people keep going, most oblivious to your situation, your frustration or you pain. Life ain't fair. 

My point? Even in the midst of the days dwindling down until the time the infamous letter says we have to be out of our home, life goes on. David still has to eat, be taken care and kept in the routine that he knows and clings to. Groceries have to bought, bills have to be paid and meals have to be prepared. The house has to be kept cleaned, the trash has to go out and the dogs have to be cared for. All of this that before February 3rd, took up my days and kept me busy for what seemed like 24/7, now has to continue, but in the background as I have to add endless calls, talking to my lawyer, planning a fundraiser and trying to figure out  a plan just in case the what ifs do happen and we do lose our home. With all of this, there is little time to sleep or rest which is fine I guess, as my mind is simply too full to sleep much anyway.

Normal? Right now I think I would be so happy with just a smidgen of what I was calling normal last Friday. Anything I was worried about or stressed about seems so unimportant right now. In fact, I can almost be angry at myself for worrying about silly stuff back then when the big stuff was about to hit.

Please don't think that I am complaining because truly I am not. I am processing. My brain is so full of everything that focusing is an issue right now. Writing all of this down is the only way that I keep going. It is the one way I unburden and give my brain a small pathway so that I can sort through the clutter and figure out the important stuff....the now stuff.....the stuff that I need to focus on in the moment.

My faith is still strong and yesterday I was given some information that if not helpful to the situation, at least made me feel a bit vindicated. The lawyer feels it is better to keep the info in my back pocket right now, but knowing it did give me some peace in a lot of ways. I am praying with all of my heart and each time I open up facebook, I am strengthened knowing that we are supported and loved. It is a huge thing and keeps me from losing belief in myself and my ability to fight.

Today....I wait to hear from my lawyer, I go to the grocery store, I do laundry, pick up my house and begin the planning of a fundraiser. This is my normal.....for the moment. Check with me in an hour and to see if it remains the same.

Excuse Me While I Tantrum!

Excuse me while I tantrum!

Today has been beyond a doubt the most frustrating day of my life. I have been told....and it makes sense, that before I move one inch further with all of this business, I NEED a lawyer who has my back and is in my corner. Sounds simple in theory....right? Trust me....it is not!

I have spent literally hours on the phone calling agencies, lawyers, legal aid, Aging and Disabilities and the list goes on and on. They all agree that this is a BAD situation. That it is not fair and that yes.....I need an attorney, but apparently because of Davids disability issues along with the eviction, I need a specialized attorney that simply does not exist. I have called so much that I think I have killed my phone as I picked it up to make yet another call and it buzzed a pathetic buzz or perhaps it was a gasp.....and then it went dead. Now is it dead dead or just begging for some much needed rest? We shall see. At any rate, without my phone, I am left to ponder my situation and pondering is not good for me today.....so here we meet again. I am three for three.

"I am a woman on the edge", in the words of the great Roseanne Conner. I know exactly how that feels. The kicker this morning was one attorney I talked to told me that I need my parents divorce papers as this house was purchased as an agreement my parents made post divorce. I told the attorney this and that there was no court ordered anything in 1971 as my parents agreed in court to leave the marriage pretty much with what they came into it with aside from minimal child support from my dad to my mom. Once out of court, Mom and Dad came up with their own agreement which both agreed was Dad providing us a home. This was not the first home Dad purchased for us, but it was the one that we eventually called our forever home and long after my brother and I moved out, my dad considered it my mothers home until her death in 2002. That is when he offered it to me with the promise of the home being deeded to me upon his death. Trying to explain this to a lawyer though is like talking to a wall. You simply can't do it.

He insisted I needed their divorce decree. So against my better judgement I went downstairs and went through my mom's trunk of old papers and keepsakes. If she had it that is where I figured it would be. To my shock I found letters my dad had written my mother post divorce, begging her back. I knew how that turned out as I lived it. She succumbed and the idealic life that was promised in those letters died about five minutes after we moved back in. I had never read those letters before nor knew they existed. It was kind of gut punch to read them and in a funny way, relive those events that happened so many years ago.....all over again. This was not the time nor the day to be hit with that kind of nostalgia. And as you may have guessed.....no divorce papers.

Today is the first day that my mind has clearly processed this all. I have been working in auto pilot since Saturday. Today though, reality is setting in and I am more than aware of the daunting task ahead of me. Part of me wants to keep my cool and move forward, but there is a very distinct part of me that wants to scream, yell and throw the tantrum of all tantrums.

No life isn't fair but David doesn't deserve this. David has had a tough road since the moment he left the womb and he has managed to fight through so much and still laugh, smile and inspire, but this.....this will harm David and I just can't allow that, so I straighten my tiara, talk sweetly to my phone and prepare to hit the ground running again this afternoon. Tantrum over. 

It's Simply a Faith Thing

Isn't it just like me? You don't hear from me for nearly a year and now suddenly, it's two days in a row. I promise that it is my intention to blog more in 2018 and more so, that they won't all be about this disaster I am currently dealing with. No....really!!! I have other life disasters that I can talk about! But today....I am processing and still need the writing therapy to get me through all of this.

This weekend was so surreal. Saturday I spent the day trying to understand how family can be so cold. No...not just family but MY family. It just was not sinking in. Yesterday I kept fluctuating between being sad, being angry and trying like hell to be understanding. My friend Marni's words kept going through my mind: There are 3 sides to every story. Your's, theirs and the truth. So what is this particular truth?

My first reaction upon hearing the news was to feel complete and total sorrow for both my dad and brother. I kept thinking how hard this must be for them to have to do this to me. I think I even apologized to them for having to go through such a thing. I remember thinking that because it must be so hard for them, that I had to handle this all with as much class and dignity as possible. Mostly I did not want my dad to be upset as his health isn't great and honestly even with our pasts....I couldn't for a moment think that either of them would deliberately do something like this to me. More over I couldn't fathom that they would do this to David. Hmmmmm I think I managed getting out of there with class and dignity...or at least my version of the two.

Then yesterday....... I didn't sleep much Saturday night, even as hard as I tried to shut my mind down. I prayed a lot and tried to imagine a positive end to this particular chapter of our story. Sleep was not my friend. So yesterday my mind began questioning what was truly behind this situation. Was this really a completely innocent action taken with the sole purpose of giving my dad financial peace of mind? If that was the case then as hard as this all is, it was understandable. BUT, why not include me in on the process and possibility that turned quickly to reality.... that my home was at stake? Why not give me a heads up and let me know that dad felt his living arrangements and financial security were in danger and therefore selling my house might ease that worry? I surely could have helped find other options and helped to ease that worry and not lose my home in the process. Was this whole thing then premeditated with the full intention of not only taking my home but causing me the absolute most stress while doing so? Can people, especially family really be that cruel? I still don't want to believe it, but at the very least, this whole thing was done in a very disrespectful, underhanded and humiliating way. It truly wasn't fair.

What was that? Life ain't fair. Yes, that is glaringly obvious.

Before I went to bed last night, I found myself starting to get angry at the unfairness of it all.Then I remembered that everything has purpose. There is purpose in this. Perhaps I need to appreciate things more and be more grateful. Perhaps I take things for granted too often. Maybe I need to realize that I need to give more, be kinder and not be so trusting of people (even family). Whatever the lesson is, I decided that I could be bitter or be busy. Bitterness takes you to a negative and unhealthy place pulling you down and backwards. If I get busy trying to fix things and improve my circumstances then I don't have time to be negative. All I have time to do is move forward. That is my choice.....busily moving forward.

Today I have been a bit overwhelmed. I hit the ground running but I have felt myself and my attention pulled in so many ways that focus has been hard to achieve. I have however been extremely busy. I have so many questions and so many things I need to check out and find out what my rights are and how I can continue to not only move forward but to also keep our home. It is truly a lot. Blessedly though, I am not doing this alone. My community, complete strangers and other wonderful family members and friends have stepped in and stepped up. Tonight is a community meeting to help plan a fundraiser. I am also told there have been many emails and calls to the Ellen show and the calls, texts, fb messages and donations we have received have been amazing. It just goes to show that blood doesn't have to be shared to be considered family. I don't think that I could be more grateful or more humbled right now.

So I move forward. I will likely never know the true motivation behind my "eviction" but I also can't sit around and worry about it either. All actions good or bad have consequences and this situation will be no different. As for me, I simply have to keep busy, be positive, fight like hell and learn everything from this experience that I am suppose to. I know everything else will eventually take care of itself. It's simply a faith thing!

Saving Our Home

Breathe! I AM strong! Breathe! I CAN do this! Breathe! I DO have faith! And then the old saying....If you worry why pray and if you pray why worry? It has all been swarming in my head like a nest of angry bees for the last 24 hours. What a difference a day makes! Truly.

I won't bore you with all the gory details of my current plight. If you want the details....check out my facebook page. The details are there. This is just me trying to process and figure out how I am going to handle this newest of drama's in my life and how I am going to continue to keep a roof over Davids head (preferably the only roof he has ever known) and how we as a family move forward.

Yes, it has been awhile since last we met here. So much has transpired so fast that I am still processing it all. In the last year, along with David whose health has always been a crap shoot, most everything I know about my world and my life has changed. Anything that I thought was secure has proven to be anything but, however, in this last year....I was reassured once again that upon my father's death, this house.....our home would be deeded into my name and my family would always have a roof over their head. Barring natural disaster, this was our home. Yesterday that all changed.

Now my home is nothing special to the naked eye. My home and I are the same age and since 1976, this home has been where my world began and ended. Except for a few years living elsewhere, just about every memory I have....both the good and bad are in the walls of this house. My late mothers yells of "LisaMarie....get down here," and my late husbands laughter still live in every fiber of it's make up. The parties my friends and I had when we were teenagers, the sleepovers and the smells of my mother canning still live here right along with me. My kids grew up here and David has come to rely on the comfort and security of this place as the one sure thing in his unsure world. His room means everything to him. It is his domain and his safe place and for him to have it taken away is just unthinkable to me.

Last night as you can well imagine, I barely shut an eye. As much as I tried to shut the insanity of the day off and rest, all I could do is think of each room and remember all the moments big and small that happened there. I could hear all the voices that have resided here and through the fighting of tears, think about those I lost here. This home is just such a part of us all. It was beyond heartbreaking to sit my kids down yesterday and tell them that by March 1st, this would no longer be our home. That everything I had ever promised them about always having a home here was just gone in one eviction notice.

And that eviction notice..... a notice that gives us less than 30 days to find a new home (with no money), move everything including our pool, deck and shed (otherwise it would become theirs) and never a word to me when they knew this was going to happen. I never knew an eviction notice could be so humiliating....especially when handed to you by family. So many emotions. "Just breathe," I kept telling myself as they sat their looking at me. The tears were right there but damned if I would let them see them. Damned if I would let them out. I still haven't.

Mixed in with all of this joy is the fact that David is to have a very extensive spine surgery in March. That has weighed on me terribly as I know what a difficult surgery, hospital stay and recovery this is going to be. When I mentioned this to my family while standing their holding eviction papers and trying to make sense of any of it, my brother simply looked at me and said, "Well, it's in March, so you'll be moved out by then." What does that even mean? All I could think was, I don't care how I feel about you or how you feel about me, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would never allow this to happen to you or your family. I would have fought for you. I would have found a way to make it all work without you losing your home. Without your son losing his home. But then again, maybe that is just me.

Then, last night I started thinking that with this, I am losing so much more than just my home. If I had to move right now, where would I go? Likely we will not be able to find a place big enough for us and affordable here in my home town. So then what? David loses his school? The people he has known his whole entire life? Really? And what about our dogs? The dogs we love that are as much a part of our family as the two legged animals running around here? Spud and Gizzy are old dogs and this is the only home they have ever known. What if we can't keep them? What if we don't have a backyard for our beautiful baby Shane? What if I don't have a place big enough for Davids equipment, for my grandchildren and for the few things I really love? The tears almost came. They are almost coming now, but damned if I will let them.

I have many wonderful friends out there who want to help. They are trying to help with advice, suggestions and even financial help. Oh and don't think that wasn't difficult and demoralizing to know that we are such a charity case that I had to air all of this on facebook and beg for help. I truly hope no one I know ever has to feel that much humiliation, but then again, the circumstances of my life made me check any ounce of pride I ever had long ago. I am left humbled with the realization that blessedly there are many good people out there and very undeservedly, I have some very good friends and an amazing community. Whatever comes of all of this, the bottom line is.....I will be paying it forward and giving back every chance I get....for the rest of my life.

I am keeping the faith and praying like crazy. I know that regardless of how this all turns out, life goes on. The world keeps turning and God will see us through. I also know though, that God expects me to fight for my family, for my home and most of all for David.

If you would like to help please head over to our YouCaring page. If you can help financially that would be amazing, but if you can't, please share and most of all, please pray that we get the miracle we need and are able to keep our home. 

The Boy (Based on a true Story)

His blue eyes danced as the excitement of the house made him giggle. Today was a special day and the little blonde haired boy was so happy. He wasn’t sure but it seemed like a really long time since he had been this happy. The mom seemed a little stressed as she packed up the little one lying in the crib. He was still fragile and required a bag full of “stuff” every time he left the house. The blonde haired boy though, loved the little one and even though he was only 5 years old, he understood that the little life there in the crib, almost didn’t make it home.

The boy remembered the many days and nights that he and his older brother had to stay at home while Mom and Dad spent many long hours at the hospital. He remembered the tears in his mom’s eyes when he went to the hospital and they were all told by the doctor that his baby brother might not make it through the day. He was told to say goodbye, but he refused. Instead he reached in the clear crib where his youngest sibling lay and quietly whispered, “You’ll be fine. I talked to the Blessed Mama and she told me,” referring to a long talk that he had, alone in his room with Jesus’s mom.

The boy had been right. His baby brother had come home and in his eyes, that baby was perfect. Since he had come home though, life had been busy and this new little family member took a lot of care. The boy had long since realized that his days as the baby of the family were over and truthfully, it hadn’t really bothered him giving up the title as he never much liked being called a baby. He knew that the new baby had fought hard all those months in the hospital and he deserved a little babying and special treatment in his life, so Mom and Dad fussing over him really wasn’t so bad.

Today though, it was going to be different. Mom and the little one and the older one were all leaving and it was just going to be him and Dad. The boy could hardly contain his excitement. It was just two days until the 4th of July and he and Dad were going to get fireworks….together….just the two of them. He couldn’t wait and he giggled and bounced around as Mom finished packing up the baby and tried her hardest to motivate the older one out the door. Earlier, Mom and Dad had talked about the baby staying home and the boy had stood back breathlessly waiting for the verdict. He would have said nothing and would have shared the day with the little one, but when Mom said, “No….I’ll take him. You guys just need to go have some fun,” the boy’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest. It was going to be just him and Dad and he was so excited.

As Mom drove out of the driveway, the boy stood looking at his dad. He didn’t know if all dads were as great as his dad, but he knew his dad was the best. His dad was his hero. He had a loud booming laugh that rang through the house. He was smart because he worked on airplanes and the boy just knew you had to be really smart to do that. His dad had a beautiful voice and he loved to dance and the boy loved listening to his dad sing with the radio and then grab his mom and dance through the living room with her. Yes, he had the best dad in the world and now standing there looking up at him, he knew that today, this day was theirs…..all theirs and he couldn’t wait to get it started. This might just be his best day ever.

The boy’s dad grabbed him up and said, “How about we go get some fireworks?” The boys blue eyes began to sparkle. Spending time together AND fireworks!!!! This day was going to be so cool.

The dad took the boy back to the master bathroom and told him he needed to get in the shower. The boy quickly undressed and jumped in the shower. He scrubbed himself as quickly as he could and then yelled to his dad to help him turn the water off. The dad came walking back with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. The bathroom was the only room the mom would let him smoke in. He helped the boy out of the shower, wrapped him in a towel and sent him into the master bedroom where he had already laid the boys clothes out. “Now you stay in here and get dressed,” the dad instructed, “and I will take my shower. Then when I get out, I’ll get dressed and we will get our day started.”

Once again the boy could hardly contain his excitement as his blue eyes were clear blue sparkling pools. The dad was almost as excited as the boy. This after all was one of the first times in a very long time that it felt as if the family was starting to find its way back to a new kind of normal. Now, being able to spend this day with this little blonde haired boy who had stayed calm and cool during the last few months when everyone else was anything but, who had constantly told everyone that would listen that his little brother would be fine and who had welcomed his new sibling without envy or attitude….gave this dad pure joy. He planned to take his son and let him choose anything he wanted at the fireworks stand. Today, money didn’t matter. All that mattered was the two of the spending time together and making his little boy laugh and smile as much as possible.

The dad opened the ventilation window above the toilet and then sat down next to the toilet and proceeded to set his coffee next to him on the floor. The bathroom wasn’t huge, but he had found a comfortable spot between the wall and the toilet to sit, drink coffee and have a cigarette. He lit his cigarette and took a sip of his coffee. Mentally he was planning the day ahead and trying to imagine the boy’s excitement when he told him that he could have ANYTHING he wanted at the firework stand. He put the cigarette to his lips, took a long drag and……..

The boy was hurriedly drying off and trying to dress. He wanted to be ready as soon as his dad was out of the shower. He heard the clank of his dad’s coffee cup hit the floor and he could smell the smoke from his cigarette. He knew Dad wasn’t in the shower yet and that it would likely be a few before he finished his cigarette. The boy felt a twinge of disappointment that his dad didn’t get directly in the shower, but then again….he knew he never did. Then he heard a single word…..”Ouch.” There was another sound but the boy wasn’t sure what the sound was. Gingerly he pressed his ear to the bathroom door and tentatively said, “Dad?” There was no answer. The dad always answered. So the boy knocked. Still no answer. Confused, the boy opened the door.

The dad lay with his head between the toilet and the wall. He held a lit cigarette and his coffee cup sat on the floor by his side. His eyes were closed but there was a slight gurgling sound coming from his chest. The boy’s eyes grew wide as he tried to understand what lay before him. Then he knew, his dad was teasing him. His dad loved to kid around. He carefully walked closer to his dad, expecting at any moment that he would jump up and grab him, all the while laughing his booming laugh…but there was no movement. “Dad,” the boy said. Then more quietly, “Daddy.” The gurgling continued. Maybe he passed out the boy thought. Using the extent of his 5 year old knowledge, he picked up the now luke warm coffee cup and he poured the coffee in his dads face. There was nothing…not even the slightest movement. It was at that moment that the boy knew. He took the still burning cigarette from his father’s hand. He squashed it out in the ashtray next to his dad, just as he had seen him do it a million times.

The boy sat there. He touched his dad’s hand. It was warm and rough as always. At that moment, he knew that hand was the hand he loved the most in the world. He wanted with all of his heart for that hand to reach up and grab his. He wanted to feel the warmth and security of his own small hand wrapped deep inside his father’s big and safe hand. No!!!! He wanted his daddy to sit up and smile at him. He wanted to sit in his lap and feel those arms around him. He didn’t want his dad just to lay there, covered in coffee with that horrible gurgling sound going on. Then it stopped and the boy just sat there, his blue eyes now a steel grey as he continued holding his dad’s hand and watching his dad’s face turn from a pink to a grayish color. Slowly the warmth was leaving his dad’s fingers and the boy just wanted this to be a dream. He kept thinking that he wanted to wake up. He wanted to run into his mom and dad’s bedroom and hug his dad. He wanted to tell his dad about the awful dream and he wanted to hear his dad say, “It was just a dream. I am fine.” He wanted to get fireworks. He wanted to hear his dad laugh and sing and he wanted to watch his dad dance with his mom across the living room floor. Most of all though, he didn’t want to be there alone. His young brain was beyond full and he was trying to process the most unthinkable situation and it simply wasn’t possible. He was alone and suddenly he was scared.

The boy had never been home alone and this was the worst way to have that experience for the first time. Fighting back the tears he looked behind him and the family dog sat quietly, just watching. He obviously had no idea what to do either. The boy tentatively pulled his hand away from his dad. He knew this might be the last time he felt that hand, but waves of reality kept hitting him. He was alone, he was scared and he knew that his dad was gone. He looked at his father’s face, looking lifeless and colorless and he quietly whispered “Goodbye Daddy.” He then made his way to the dog. He buried his face in the fur of the animal and let out a sob. The dog whimpered sensing how devastated his little human was.

The boy, still scared, still alone and still not knowing how to handle the way his world had just changed, slowly walked to his bedroom. The dog followed. As the boy walked in his room, all the things he loved, all the things that made him happy and all the things that made him secure, no longer existed. He just wanted to feel safe and he didn’t know how to do that. The boy walked towards his bed and grabbed his pillow and blanket and then he got down on his knees and crawled under his bed. The space was small, but then so was he. The dog, knowing how much the boy needed him, got down on his belly and pulled himself under the bed too and lay his head on the boys stomach. Together they remained like this for what seemed like forever.

The boy startled awake and the dog whimpered at the boys’ sudden movement. For a second the boy thought it might all have really been a dream. Then he looked up to see the bottom of his bed and his heart sank once again. He had no idea how long he had been under the bed nor did he know when anyone would be home. Then the fleeting thought went through his head, what if they don’t come back? He knew deep inside they would, but what if they didn’t? He continued to lay there, the dog never moving from his side and the boy wondering one thing….Why?

Suddenly the dog whimpered loudly and backed out from under the bed. The boy lay there listening. The car door shut. Then another. THEY WERE HOME!!!!! The boy quickly rolled out from under the bed and rushed down the hall. He ran to the door and opened it just as his mom, with the baby and his older brother stepped in. A huge uncontrollable sob welled up and escaped his chest and then the words that he knew to be true, but the words he hadn’t been able to say finally came exploding out as 
he grabbed his mom and held her tightly. “Mommy, Daddy is dead!” And as she looked into those eyes that had aged a hundred years since she had left that morning….she knew it was true.

Life Isn't Fair

I have been thinking about my mom a great deal lately. It is not surprising since her birthday was just a few days ago. She taught me a lot of things and maybe one of the most important things she taught me was that life is simply not fair.

My mom was not a "sugarcoat things" kind of mom. She knew that once I left home and got out into the real world, that life would not be easy on me and that I would need some sound life skills, so she never let me believe that I was special, deserved special treatment or that life was fair in anyway. On the contrary, she taught me that we are all special in our own way, but no one was above the other. No ones thoughts, opinions or beliefs were greater than anyone else's and that many times in life mine would be trudged through the mud because......life isn't fair. She taught me that no matter what I did in life or how far I went, I would never be any better than anyone else. However....she expected me to always act with kindness, show respect to my elders (whether I agreed with them or not and whether they were right or not), to act with dignity and class under all circumstances and to always remember that the world owed me nothing. She told me that if I were to ever achieve anything that I must work hard for it and that if I really really wanted something in life......I had to work extremely hard for it. I was taught that nothing is really free in this life, that you don't get points just for showing up and that yes in fact.....life is always a competition of sorts whether it is with ourselves or others. That is what makes us try harder and makes us better at anything we do.

So yeah, those were some pretty heavy life lessons and truthfully, they were pretty well instilled in me by the time I was old enough to start school and definitely by the time I hit junior high. It didn't stop life's disappointments.....i.e. not getting to hang out with a certain group of kids because my parents didn't make enough money, not winning a spelling bee that I had studied weeks for, not making the softball team, basketball team, volleyball team. Yes....there was theme there. I was not athletically inclined and trust me....back then not everyone who tried out got to make the team just because it was "fair" and you didn't get a participation award just for showing up. In other words, my mom's lessons helped to keep me realistic in life and helped me to pick myself up when life didn't seem to treat me fairly. Why? Because I had no expectation that life would treat me fairly.

These lessons have continued to help me through the jobs I applied for but wasn't chosen for, the relationships that went south and even the deaths of those I loved. I knew life wasn't fair but I also knew I wasn't singled out. Life isn't fair for anyone. It is what makes us stronger.

Today though, the younger generation just doesn't get this. Maybe because my generation was brought up by parents that didn't sugarcoat anything and because some of life's lessons were very painful, my generation tried to make it easier for our kids. Maybe because at times we got left out, over looked or just plain stomped on, we didn't want our kids to feel that pain. Maybe we wanted our kids to feel special, included and we wanted to help them avoid as much pain as possible....so we forgot to tell them that life just isn't fair. Trust me, we did them no favors.

We now have a generation of kids that think they are entitled and feel no need to work hard for anything. We have a generation of kids that expects the world to hand them things and give them things without having to put effort into getting them. They feel that they deserve kudos just for showing up and that they somehow deserve more than anyone else, their opinion is more important than anyone else's and that no matter what....life should be fair and they should always get their way.

Because of this way of thinking, we have a generation of lost souls sitting on their parents couches and waiting for the world to give them jobs where they are treated fairly and they can call their own shots and make lots of money without putting in the actual work. They want to be taken care of by the government and their parents and get extremely angry when anyone suggests that they take care of themselves. They are out fighting for rights they haven't earned and demanding that they be heard as if their voices were the only voices worthy of being heard.

We have raised a very angry stressed generation of kids because they were never taught one simple rule.....life is not fair. They can't handle job disappointments, being broken up with by their significant other or even being told "No!" Because of the simple fact that this generation doesn't understand that life isn't fair, the use of illegal drugs, pills and recreational marijuana is off the charts. Suicide rates are astronomical and the amount of kids past 18 into their late 20's who are unfocused and often times unemployed is higher than it has ever been. I was also reading that there was a huge decline in church going in the age category from 18 to 35 and a lot of this was attributed to this generation feeling that they are owed. How does that work?

It appears that like everyone else.....God owes these guys something. Forget the fact that He gave up His only son for us. Apparently that was not enough, so when life does what it invariably does and proves that it is often times not fair, they blame God....some to the point of denying His existence. They have no understanding of the fact that their lives may not be great through their own actions or inaction, after all....God does not control us. He gave us free will, but it is so much easier to blame God than to admit that maybe we did something to cause our own situation.

What this generation does not understand is that the way they are going, they will never be better because the unfairness of the world is what makes us better. The fact that I was not good at basketball but some other girl was may not have been fair, but if I had truly loved basketball (I did not) I could have worked my rear end off to have been a better player and I, myself could have evened the playing field a bit. I would also have gotten lessons in hard work, perseverance and self respect. If at the end of the day I still didn't make the team, well then at least I would have known I gave it my best shot and had to admit that maybe basketball just wasn't for me. At any rate....I was not owed a place on the team just because I wanted it.

Yes, I am on a bit of a soap box today. I guess I am tired of people feeling that just because they exist, they somehow are owed. No, my life wasn't always easy and trust me, when I didn't make a team, lost a boyfriend or didn't get a job I applied for, my mom wasn't standing there saying, "Ah poor baby. Those people are mean and awful and you deserved to get what you wanted." No she was standing there saying, "Don't give up. Try again, but remember.....life isn't fair and you won't always get what you want, but it certainly doesn't keep you from trying again now does it?"