Breathe! I AM strong! Breathe! I CAN do this! Breathe! I DO have faith! And then the old saying....If you worry why pray and if you pray why worry? It has all been swarming in my head like a nest of angry bees for the last 24 hours. What a difference a day makes! Truly.
I won't bore you with all the gory details of my current plight. If you want the details....check out my facebook page. The details are there. This is just me trying to process and figure out how I am going to handle this newest of drama's in my life and how I am going to continue to keep a roof over Davids head (preferably the only roof he has ever known) and how we as a family move forward.
Yes, it has been awhile since last we met here. So much has transpired so fast that I am still processing it all. In the last year, along with David whose health has always been a crap shoot, most everything I know about my world and my life has changed. Anything that I thought was secure has proven to be anything but, however, in this last year....I was reassured once again that upon my father's death, this house.....our home would be deeded into my name and my family would always have a roof over their head. Barring natural disaster, this was our home. Yesterday that all changed.
Now my home is nothing special to the naked eye. My home and I are the same age and since 1976, this home has been where my world began and ended. Except for a few years living elsewhere, just about every memory I have....both the good and bad are in the walls of this house. My late mothers yells of "LisaMarie....get down here," and my late husbands laughter still live in every fiber of it's make up. The parties my friends and I had when we were teenagers, the sleepovers and the smells of my mother canning still live here right along with me. My kids grew up here and David has come to rely on the comfort and security of this place as the one sure thing in his unsure world. His room means everything to him. It is his domain and his safe place and for him to have it taken away is just unthinkable to me.
Last night as you can well imagine, I barely shut an eye. As much as I tried to shut the insanity of the day off and rest, all I could do is think of each room and remember all the moments big and small that happened there. I could hear all the voices that have resided here and through the fighting of tears, think about those I lost here. This home is just such a part of us all. It was beyond heartbreaking to sit my kids down yesterday and tell them that by March 1st, this would no longer be our home. That everything I had ever promised them about always having a home here was just gone in one eviction notice.
And that eviction notice..... a notice that gives us less than 30 days to find a new home (with no money), move everything including our pool, deck and shed (otherwise it would become theirs) and never a word to me when they knew this was going to happen. I never knew an eviction notice could be so humiliating....especially when handed to you by family. So many emotions. "Just breathe," I kept telling myself as they sat their looking at me. The tears were right there but damned if I would let them see them. Damned if I would let them out. I still haven't.
Mixed in with all of this joy is the fact that David is to have a very extensive spine surgery in March. That has weighed on me terribly as I know what a difficult surgery, hospital stay and recovery this is going to be. When I mentioned this to my family while standing their holding eviction papers and trying to make sense of any of it, my brother simply looked at me and said, "Well, it's in March, so you'll be moved out by then." What does that even mean? All I could think was, I don't care how I feel about you or how you feel about me, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would never allow this to happen to you or your family. I would have fought for you. I would have found a way to make it all work without you losing your home. Without your son losing his home. But then again, maybe that is just me.
Then, last night I started thinking that with this, I am losing so much more than just my home. If I had to move right now, where would I go? Likely we will not be able to find a place big enough for us and affordable here in my home town. So then what? David loses his school? The people he has known his whole entire life? Really? And what about our dogs? The dogs we love that are as much a part of our family as the two legged animals running around here? Spud and Gizzy are old dogs and this is the only home they have ever known. What if we can't keep them? What if we don't have a backyard for our beautiful baby Shane? What if I don't have a place big enough for Davids equipment, for my grandchildren and for the few things I really love? The tears almost came. They are almost coming now, but damned if I will let them.
I have many wonderful friends out there who want to help. They are trying to help with advice, suggestions and even financial help. Oh and don't think that wasn't difficult and demoralizing to know that we are such a charity case that I had to air all of this on facebook and beg for help. I truly hope no one I know ever has to feel that much humiliation, but then again, the circumstances of my life made me check any ounce of pride I ever had long ago. I am left humbled with the realization that blessedly there are many good people out there and very undeservedly, I have some very good friends and an amazing community. Whatever comes of all of this, the bottom line is.....I will be paying it forward and giving back every chance I get....for the rest of my life.
I am keeping the faith and praying like crazy. I know that regardless of how this all turns out, life goes on. The world keeps turning and God will see us through. I also know though, that God expects me to fight for my family, for my home and most of all for David.
If you would like to help please head over to our YouCaring page. If you can help financially that would be amazing, but if you can't, please share and most of all, please pray that we get the miracle we need and are able to keep our home.
I won't bore you with all the gory details of my current plight. If you want the details....check out my facebook page. The details are there. This is just me trying to process and figure out how I am going to handle this newest of drama's in my life and how I am going to continue to keep a roof over Davids head (preferably the only roof he has ever known) and how we as a family move forward.
Yes, it has been awhile since last we met here. So much has transpired so fast that I am still processing it all. In the last year, along with David whose health has always been a crap shoot, most everything I know about my world and my life has changed. Anything that I thought was secure has proven to be anything but, however, in this last year....I was reassured once again that upon my father's death, this house.....our home would be deeded into my name and my family would always have a roof over their head. Barring natural disaster, this was our home. Yesterday that all changed.
Now my home is nothing special to the naked eye. My home and I are the same age and since 1976, this home has been where my world began and ended. Except for a few years living elsewhere, just about every memory I have....both the good and bad are in the walls of this house. My late mothers yells of "LisaMarie....get down here," and my late husbands laughter still live in every fiber of it's make up. The parties my friends and I had when we were teenagers, the sleepovers and the smells of my mother canning still live here right along with me. My kids grew up here and David has come to rely on the comfort and security of this place as the one sure thing in his unsure world. His room means everything to him. It is his domain and his safe place and for him to have it taken away is just unthinkable to me.
Last night as you can well imagine, I barely shut an eye. As much as I tried to shut the insanity of the day off and rest, all I could do is think of each room and remember all the moments big and small that happened there. I could hear all the voices that have resided here and through the fighting of tears, think about those I lost here. This home is just such a part of us all. It was beyond heartbreaking to sit my kids down yesterday and tell them that by March 1st, this would no longer be our home. That everything I had ever promised them about always having a home here was just gone in one eviction notice.
And that eviction notice..... a notice that gives us less than 30 days to find a new home (with no money), move everything including our pool, deck and shed (otherwise it would become theirs) and never a word to me when they knew this was going to happen. I never knew an eviction notice could be so humiliating....especially when handed to you by family. So many emotions. "Just breathe," I kept telling myself as they sat their looking at me. The tears were right there but damned if I would let them see them. Damned if I would let them out. I still haven't.
Mixed in with all of this joy is the fact that David is to have a very extensive spine surgery in March. That has weighed on me terribly as I know what a difficult surgery, hospital stay and recovery this is going to be. When I mentioned this to my family while standing their holding eviction papers and trying to make sense of any of it, my brother simply looked at me and said, "Well, it's in March, so you'll be moved out by then." What does that even mean? All I could think was, I don't care how I feel about you or how you feel about me, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would never allow this to happen to you or your family. I would have fought for you. I would have found a way to make it all work without you losing your home. Without your son losing his home. But then again, maybe that is just me.
Then, last night I started thinking that with this, I am losing so much more than just my home. If I had to move right now, where would I go? Likely we will not be able to find a place big enough for us and affordable here in my home town. So then what? David loses his school? The people he has known his whole entire life? Really? And what about our dogs? The dogs we love that are as much a part of our family as the two legged animals running around here? Spud and Gizzy are old dogs and this is the only home they have ever known. What if we can't keep them? What if we don't have a backyard for our beautiful baby Shane? What if I don't have a place big enough for Davids equipment, for my grandchildren and for the few things I really love? The tears almost came. They are almost coming now, but damned if I will let them.
I have many wonderful friends out there who want to help. They are trying to help with advice, suggestions and even financial help. Oh and don't think that wasn't difficult and demoralizing to know that we are such a charity case that I had to air all of this on facebook and beg for help. I truly hope no one I know ever has to feel that much humiliation, but then again, the circumstances of my life made me check any ounce of pride I ever had long ago. I am left humbled with the realization that blessedly there are many good people out there and very undeservedly, I have some very good friends and an amazing community. Whatever comes of all of this, the bottom line is.....I will be paying it forward and giving back every chance I get....for the rest of my life.
I am keeping the faith and praying like crazy. I know that regardless of how this all turns out, life goes on. The world keeps turning and God will see us through. I also know though, that God expects me to fight for my family, for my home and most of all for David.
If you would like to help please head over to our YouCaring page. If you can help financially that would be amazing, but if you can't, please share and most of all, please pray that we get the miracle we need and are able to keep our home.
1 comment:
You've been a beacon of light for me Lisa. I think of you and am reminded of Job 1:8. Have you considered my servant Lisa. I've always struggled with even the idea of humility. The base word is humis, "dirt". Then I was given only months to live and my thoughts turned to the idea of needing help. I would rather die, I thought, but immediately was alerted this gift of life is not mine to take and that my Lord has never forsaken me. Like you, our Lord needed me to learn humility. I have never understood His ways but have been blessed with the ability to see when He moves, at least often in my life. Sometimes, usually years later, I see the "why" of it. I know humility to some degree. Just this month I too had to reach out, once again, and cry mercy to those who know me. I know the feelings of false pride and of humility and dependence... I never want to burden others with my troubles, so I ache when I try to associate my humilities with what I've seen you endure. I can not know how you feel, only how I've felt under similar circumstances and I do pray for you the peace that surpasses understanding. But more I pray to our Lord, all the saints, and the Holy Mother that they will implore our Father to intercede and work miracles in your life and will turn this crisis into one of your greatest blessings. In Jesus name I pray. You know how to reach me if you are moved to, and I will be blessed if I can help further.
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