Truly, I didn't know that 7 days could speed by like this, but looking back and realizing that most of my days ran into each other because there was no real sleep and that each waking moment was filled with strategizing, begging, hours on the phone and of course blogging made some of those days feel like time had stopped and I was living in slow motion. I won't lie, this whole thing was a pretty severe gut kick that knocked me down pretty hard for a moment. Only in the last 24 hours have I been able to even start processing any emotion other than the urgency to fix all of this.
My emotions are pretty raw in a way, but then again, there are people in your life that you really expect nothing of. They kind of play on a loop in the background of your world and are only there because of familial or emotional ties....or worse....guilt. If they surprise you and do something positive, kind or generous you emotionally re-evaluate their presence in your life and pull them to the foreground. However, if they do something that is negative, hateful or damaging, you still re-evaluate their presence in your life, but in some cases, you move them completely out of it. It is here that I am currently stuck....evaluating and re-evaluating certain relationships.
I still feel like I don't have a complete picture of what went on last Saturday. Other than the obvious....we got evicted, I feel like I am lost. It is kind of like walking in late to a movie with a very complicated plot and trying to figure out what you have missed. Everything in me tells me there is more to the story than I know.
While my brother and I have always been two very different people who saw the world and people with very different eyes, I would never have thought him to be sneaky or deceitful and although he does have a rather dark sense of humor, I never saw him as a cruel individual, especially towards family. I still don't, so that is why I am baffled at what felt like a sneak attack where this eviction is concerned. Why was I not included in any conversation about the possibility of this house being sold? Why was I not given an opportunity with more than a 25 day timeline to find a solution, make a plan or pray for a miracle? Why was I evicted and not just talked to? None of it makes sense. I keep thinking there has to be more to this story that will make me understand why he/they felt the need to treat me in such a way. There has to be something that I am missing.
And my dad..... My gut is literally screaming that something is wrong here. I don't know what but again, to think of him other than as a dad with the best interest of his kids and grandkids in mind is really hard for me. Granted, he has not been tremendously emotionally supportive....ever, but he has helped us out over the years financially when things were rough and of course allowing us to live in the house. I just can't see him just evicting us without a conversation and some advanced warning regardless of the situation. My mind can go to some pretty dark places trying to come up with possible scenarios that might make sense and I have had to just shut it down and quit looking for answers where he is concerned.
So last night, as I was on my seventh night of little to no sleep, I made a deal with myself. Too much is going on right now to drive myself crazy trying to figure out the whys and wherefores of all of this. I am sure that before all is said and done, I will probably know more than I care to. Right now, I have to stay focused and stick to the business of saving David's home. This in itself is going to take every ounce of my mental and physical capacity to even come close.
The next couple of weeks are going to be tough. This is a fight that I wasn't prepared for and I am having to go in blind as this whole process is out of my wheelhouse. Still, I don't back down when it comes to David and we may not win, but it won't be because I didn't put every ounce of my heart and soul into the battle. I truly don't want anyone in this situation hurt anymore than has already happened, but I didn't put this situation into motion and in order to fight this fight, I have to fight this in a way that gives me the possibility of the best outcome for David's future. What I won't do is fight dirty because that makes me no better than those I am fighting against.
And yes, I said this week had also been the worst and most amazing too. The worst is probably pretty self explanatory, but there has been so much amazing too. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that so many people would be willing to fight right along with us. I have been overwhelmed at the generosity of my community, friends, family and strangers. The outpouring of love and prayers and the willingness of people to come together and help David keep his home is amazing. Sometimes the worst things have to happen, in order for you to see and appreciate the best. This week we have had a hefty does of both and no one will ever know how grateful we are to be witness to such kindness and generosity of spirit, of community and of humanity.
So along with promising myself that I would keep my focus on what is important and not on what I have absolutely no control over, I also promised myself that I wouldn't let this break either I or David. I promise to remain strong, to fight with dignity and fairness and to never, ever forget to be grateful for my blessings and to pay all of this forward every single day for the rest of my life.
I promise!
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