Normal?

Normal. What an obsolete (in my opinion), strange word. When David was born and in the NICU, I was told by nurses, doctors and other parents with special kids that we would establish a new normal. Heck, I myself have also told parents with special kids the same thing over the years. The reality though is...What is normal? Normal can mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people. What I have learned is that whatever you consider normal is fluid. It can change in the blink of an eye. It is kind of like we are constantly resetting our world as to what is normal for the moment. If I had forgotten this, it came back very clearly to me on February 3rd.

The problem with being faced with a crisis that absolutely takes up your every breathing moment is....that it can't. Even in the face of crisis, the world keeps going on around you and especially if you have a family, the routine of life can't just stop. I remember when Tim died and everything fell out of my world, I just wanted everyone and everything to stop and let me catch my breath. How could people be going to work, taking walks, grocery shopping and even laughing......when my world was completely devastated? The truth? Regardless of what happens in life, the world does keep spinning and people keep going, most oblivious to your situation, your frustration or you pain. Life ain't fair. 

My point? Even in the midst of the days dwindling down until the time the infamous letter says we have to be out of our home, life goes on. David still has to eat, be taken care and kept in the routine that he knows and clings to. Groceries have to bought, bills have to be paid and meals have to be prepared. The house has to be kept cleaned, the trash has to go out and the dogs have to be cared for. All of this that before February 3rd, took up my days and kept me busy for what seemed like 24/7, now has to continue, but in the background as I have to add endless calls, talking to my lawyer, planning a fundraiser and trying to figure out  a plan just in case the what ifs do happen and we do lose our home. With all of this, there is little time to sleep or rest which is fine I guess, as my mind is simply too full to sleep much anyway.

Normal? Right now I think I would be so happy with just a smidgen of what I was calling normal last Friday. Anything I was worried about or stressed about seems so unimportant right now. In fact, I can almost be angry at myself for worrying about silly stuff back then when the big stuff was about to hit.

Please don't think that I am complaining because truly I am not. I am processing. My brain is so full of everything that focusing is an issue right now. Writing all of this down is the only way that I keep going. It is the one way I unburden and give my brain a small pathway so that I can sort through the clutter and figure out the important stuff....the now stuff.....the stuff that I need to focus on in the moment.

My faith is still strong and yesterday I was given some information that if not helpful to the situation, at least made me feel a bit vindicated. The lawyer feels it is better to keep the info in my back pocket right now, but knowing it did give me some peace in a lot of ways. I am praying with all of my heart and each time I open up facebook, I am strengthened knowing that we are supported and loved. It is a huge thing and keeps me from losing belief in myself and my ability to fight.

Today....I wait to hear from my lawyer, I go to the grocery store, I do laundry, pick up my house and begin the planning of a fundraiser. This is my normal.....for the moment. Check with me in an hour and to see if it remains the same.