Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland.....No Fat Chicks!

And so begins another foray into the fascinating love life of....ME! Wow! Don't I wish! Actually...I am listening folks...I really am and I am not just sitting back doing nothing. Well, I am kind of sitting back, but I am not doing nothing. This weekend I said what the_________ (you fill in the blank) and decided to do something I was whole heartedly against. Drum roll please..........I joined a dating website. Okay....I actually joined two. They are both free and within five minutes going into this thing I was frantically wondering what I had gotten myself into. What is this cyber dating world and why do so many people lie??????

First I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to be completely honest and completely me. This may not have been my best idea. Completely me appears to be too much for some. The fact is though, if I am going to find someone.....I want them to be right for me! The real me! Not the me I pretend to be to get a man! Besides....pretending takes too much energy and I am a bad liar at this stage of the game. I would forget what lie I told and get caught and it wouldn't be pretty at all. 

My first thirty minutes in, I was inundated with new suitors. Some appeared okay....some were iffy and some you just knew where not real. I did sit back and browse and look over future prospects carefully. Then one of the sites had me start answering "match" questions. Good Lord....300 questions in....I stopped. They say the more you answer, the better chance of finding true compatibility. At 300 I was still only about 85% compatible with anyone....and I didn't want to answer anymore questions. For goodness sake, they were asking math questions. MATH! If I have to know math to find a man then I will be freaking single for the rest of my life!

I did after awhile start learning the lingo and the "real" meaning behind some of the match categories though. If there is no picture it means: 1) I hate the way I look or 2) I am running from the law. On body types, fit can mean: 1) I am so in love with my muscles that there may not be room in my life for you or 2) you can use my ribs as a musical instrument. A few extra pounds can mean: 1) I drink beer and it shows or 2) I have to pay for two seats on a plane. When they say self-employed it can mean: 1) My job is living off the government i.e. welfare (most of these guys work harder at not having a job than they ever would actually going to work) or 2) I just invented the newest gadget on the market and am just waiting for it to take off. When they don't put income in, it usually means 1) I make nothing and I want you to support me or 2) I make a lot and I don't want to support you.  So you see, you have to read between the lines on these profiles and sometimes it is scary.

Here is the kicker though and why I may actually get kicked off my first ever dating site. Yesterday I pissed a lot of people off. You know we have discussed in the past that I have no filter on my mouth anymore. I tend to speak or in this case type, before I actually think how it will sound. Yesterday was one of those times when I should have maybe thought first since I had only actually been a member of the site for about two days and some of those on there had been there literally years. In my defense, some things just need to be addressed and discriminating to me in any form is not acceptable. Okay...maybe I really have no defense, but here's how it went down. So I was going through reading profiles trying to get a feel for the guys who are out there. All of a sudden I found one, then another and then another where right in their profile they say "NO FAT CHICKS!" Really???? These guys were nothing to brag about themselves and one guy was even large, but they put that in their profile? WTF! This could not go unaddressed. Even if I were a size 2 I would find this offensive and steer far away from them. This is just crap. So...it just happens that this particular site has a blog and believe me....I made real good use of it. Here is my blog from me .....to them. (There is a bad word or two involved....so please be aware!)


You know what I keep seeing from these 40+ guys? "No Fat Chicks!" Followed up by...."No offense I just like a nice trim body!" The hell you say. Well I like a real man. Not a judgmental, narcissistic ass. And have you seen most of these guys? They are shooting for the moon...believe me. They want a hot bod as arm candy. Forget that she could be the knife wielding loon who rips to shreds his clothes or stalks him for the next 6 months when things go south. And trust me....they will go south if all he is basing his match on is looks.
Nope...we don't want the down to earth, caring "fat" girl. We want a great big dose of great looking crazy.

There also seems to be a lot of 40+ guys looking at girls 18-30. I have to laugh. Guys, there is probably one of several reasons those girls would date you. One....too make her daddy crazy. Two....to use your money to go out with her "real" boyfriend. Three....to get your house, your car and the clothes off your back in the divorce settlement, and four.....because she has daddy issues and you are old enough to be her daddy.

At the 40+ stage of the game....shouldn't we be a little more into realistic and a little less into fantasy? Perhaps I need to redo my profile and maybe it should read: "No small dicks." At least with an overweight woman, what you see is what you get. A guy with a small dick...well sometimes that catches you by surprise a little later in the game. Or maybe it should say: "No men with hairy backs." Mow that thing once in awhile. How about "no men with macho idiot mustaches?" Yeah...I want to kiss you and know what you had for lunch. Oh I know...."no bald men." If I can't run my fingers through it...then you must be defective in some way.

I think I have made my point here. The fat chick maybe a work in progress and the woman of your dreams...but you will never know because you put boundaries based on nothing but looks. That could totally be your loss man.

My profile reads: "I want Mr. Real." Mr. Real could have a few extra pounds, could be bald, hairy and sporting a mustache. He could be short, tall or have a limp. Whoever he is though..."he will be real."

I sport a few extra pounds and am in the process of shedding them. I look good though. Perfect? No...but for my age, I look good. Six months from now I will look even better, but on the inside I will be just the same: caring, loving, a bit sarcastic and one hell of a catch. Sadly though, some of you with boundary issues will never know that. And you know what....I am good with that. Are you?

Okay....needless to say I was barraged by a lot of hate mail. Funny though, most were from young men....30 and under. Most of the older guys loved it and of course....you know all the women loved it. But boy, those younger guys were angry. I was told everything from I just needed laid to I just needed to leave that I was being judgmental. Really? Me judgmental? I didn't put boundaries on who I would allow my heart to love. So....here is where it stands. I have made the effort. I have even talked to a couple of guys. No one has me hearing love songs yet, but at least I am no longer just talking about doing something I am now actually being proactive. And no....I really make no apologies for my little blog outburst yesterday, because you all know that that is just who I am and I want someone who accepts me just that way.

Here's hoping that your Tuesday is as sunny as mine. Happy Tuesday everyone!


Anonymous said...

Well now at least others beside me have told you that you are judgmental. I would say give up the man thing and get a cat. At least with a cat you would be with something that has the same attitude as you!

Carol Ann said...

I think I just pulled a muscle laughing at this. You go girl! I am passing this one on!

Anonymous said...

I too have lost my filter with age, but I think I still am too shy to say some of the stuff you do. The things you say in your blogs or to people, I only wish I could say. I guess I read your blog to live vicariously through you. Good luck finding your special someone.


Anonymous said...


You're funny. There is a certain sense of humor that comes from only our hometown.

I'm sitting at my computer laughing hard. Really.

That aside, I'd love to show Anom how you can use a cat to shut an idiot such as him up.

Steve J.

Droopy Brains said...

That was great! If I weren't a Conservative straight woman, I'd make you my lesbian lover ;)
I guess I'll just have to get a cat

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing. I read this 2 hours ago and I was laughing so hard I couldn't comment. Now, every time I think about it I still laugh. This was hysterical and on a dating sight no less. I bet there was some ticked off old men last night. They only wish they could have some one as great as you. I love this. I am sharing it with anyone that will listen to me. Keep up the great work.

Mark said...

Lisa I always learn something from your posts, usually from you. Today however I learned from Droopy that there are no conservative lesbians. Now THAT'S good to know! *snort*

Ruth said...

Mark, that was funny. I agree with everyone here. This is so funny and so true. I love the not so attractive guy that thinks he is going to get Miss America, and then is angry when he can't. You nailed cmom and I love you for saying what many of us think. You are great and this blog was beyond great.

Ruth said...

Oops. You nailed *it cmom. lol

Margarite said...

This was too funny not to share! I hope you find what you are looking for. You deserve someone who is absolutely head over heels in love with you (the real you).

Margarite said...

One more thing......does anyone elsesee the parody in anonymous being an expert on cats?

Anonymous said...

I am not fond of crude humor, obviously by the Family Guy cartoon you posted, you are. I think that everyone knows what they want in a partner and if someone doesn't want someone over weight, they should be able to say it. Weight is something that can be controlled, the size of someones penis cannot. I think if anyone here was judgmental it was you. I didn't find this a bit funny, but it appears the rest of the world is okay with crude sarcasm.

J'nelle said...

Anonymous, which are you, fat, small penis, lives with cats only or all the above? No one can possibly be as nasty as you and happy. Great blog cmom. Love it!

DaninDean said...

Yay cmom I am so glad you are getting out there and giving dating life a chance. I can't wait to hear more. I also love today's blog. I can't wait to show Dean. You are great!

Droopy Brains said...

I'd like to clarify that I did say 'conservative straight woman!' However, having said that... I do believe that a 'conservative lesbian' would be an oxymoron. I'm sure that makes me some kind of judgemental evil policlcally incorrect homophobe- but I'm alright with that! :)~

Cmom said...

Droopy...have I ever told you how much you make me laugh? Even after 7 years or better, you still crack me up!

Droopy Brains said...

I'm happy to be good for sumthin', my friend.

Likewise! I'm loving your blog.. Laughing every day!
7 years already? Damn, Lisa... You're getting old. :)~

LisaAnne said...

Like the multitude above, I am laughing out loud at my computer.

I am not a fat chick. I am not trying to shed any pounds.

And if I read "NO FAT CHICKS" I would move on to the next candidate. Not because I am fat, but because I want someone who is insterested in me for more than my looks.

Some day I might be (probably not, based on my genetics, but who knows). I want to know that a man will still love me as my vanity wanes with age. Because it will.

I have dated smokin' hot muscle bound men, young men, men over 15 years older than me, and men that would not be considered attractive by societal standards.

The man I loved the most is not strikingly attractive, short, and balding.

Yet when I look at him, still to this day, I am so attracted to him for WHO he is, and not what he looks like.

BLOG AWAY! You sing it sister.

Men, if you don't want fat chicks, go ahead and say it. Because I want to know that you are THAT kind of guy.

And you will never get a chance at this skinny girl either.

Anonymous said...

I am a skinny girl too. In fact I have been told that I have a hot body, but unlike LisaAnne, genetics say that unless I workout every day for the rest of my life I won't keep that hot body. I have guys asking for my number everywhere I go, but if I knew even one of them was so rude as to make a comment about overweight people, they would be history. My mother is overweight and my dad loves her dearly. In fact, I can't imagine my mother any other way. It is not how she looks but who she is that makes her so special. I may not always look hot, but no guy better ever make my weight or my looks an issue in dating or they just might find themselves walking funny for some time to come. Great blog cmom!

Hot in Hayley

Thiry said...

Yeah, "No Fat Chicks", Isn't crude...sounds perfectly fine to me...