Saturday, July 2, 2011

A Decade Today

Sometimes the body, soul and mind are in need and we aren't even aware. There is a vague feeling that something is a miss but no alarms are going off and nothing is shouting at you "I need help," so without knowing it, we are in need. Last night I was in need and not fully aware. Luckily I listened to my vague inner feeling and met up with Thiry. She is always what the doctor ordered as you can never spend much time with her without laughing to the point of almost peeing yourself. Graphic yes....but true. We later were joined by another old friend and for several hours the three of us laughed, talked about and shared old times (many of which I had forgotten). We also talked about what had transpired with us individually since our high school days (much of which I did not know). It was just one of those times that simply just worked. For about 3 hours last night....I forgot that I had kids, bills, problems and worries. Most of all....I put to the back of my mind what today is. Last night was just a healing time.

Today however.....I remember all the above from kids to worries and most of all.....I remember that on this day ten years life changed forever. On this day a decade ago, I started my day learning that my mother had lung cancer and ended my day knowing that while I was at the doctor with my mother, my husband had died at home of a brain aneurysm and I was now a widow. It was a surreal day full of unprocessed thoughts and robotic motions. I don't remember all of it but I know that I fell apart and then pulled myself together again and then became zombie like. I had to call my mother in law and tell her that her son was gone (not something I ever would wish on anyone) and  I had to let his older kids know he was gone (I still have no idea how that process occurred). We had to wait literally hours on the coroner knowing that in the other room lay the lifeless body of the man who just hours before had been larger than life. My house was full of people. There was a constant parade of people in and out and I don't even remember who they all were. Thiry was there and Berty and my mom but who else....I have no idea. David was about six months old and people kept grabbing him from me trying to help. They were feeding him and "taking care of him," and suddenly he became sick. After the coroner finally came and went and people started leaving (of course my house was a disaster) I realized I had to take David into the ER. His temp had spiked to 104 degrees. I was a wreck.

We finally got seen in the ER at 11:45 p.m. after a two hour wait and my mother threatening to sue the hospital if anything happened to her grandchild. It was at this moment that we were informed that it was lucky we were getting seen before midnight because as of midnight.....our insurance was no longer in force. Apparently when you work aircraft and you die, your health coverage dies with you at the stroke of midnight. I was overloaded and on the verge of losing my mind and I was facing forces that I had no control over such as cancer, death and the loss of healthcare coverage. I just wanted that day to be over.

Ten years ago! Some days it seems like an eternity....and others like it was just yesterday. So much has happened in this decade. So much has changed and yet some things have stayed the same. I still from time to time feel that flutter when I walk into Walmart because Walmart is where Tim and I spent a great deal of time. Shopping was our alone time and we had great fun doing it. When I hear Garth or George sometimes a rush of memories from him asking me to marry him, to dancing with him, to watching him karaoke come running back. Seldom do those memories cause me to break down anymore, but every once in a while.....there are tears.

I look at our kids and I try to imagine him here with us. When I was with Sean's girls (my step grand babies) I couldn't help but think of how crazy Tim would have been over these beautiful little girls and what a great grandpa he would have been. When I hear Z sing or look at Davids face....I am reminded of all that was Tim and the fact that even though my heart has never stopped missing him.....he lives on through his kids and grand kids. And after ten years I do have some comfort in the knowledge that even though Tim left this world....he did not leave me empty handed. He left me with a beautiful legacy of joy and love along with memories that can invoke both laughter and tears.

There have been those through the years who have expressed their sorrow for my situation. Some whom I am sure have even pitied the lot I was given in life, but what they don't seem to understand is.....yes I lost him, but more importantly was, before I lost him......I had him. And even knowing how it would all work out, if I had the chance to do it all again.....I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, for never did I have more fun, laugh more, nor never was I more loved than when I had Tim Elam in my heart, my arms and my life.

So yeah....last night was wonderful and maybe in was the cushion I needed to bring on this day. But the truth is....only pangs of pain still remain of that day a decade ago. The memory of the fear, the sadness and the total disbelief while not gone.....have been softened with time. What remains loud and clear though is his voice every time Z sings, the sparkle in his eye every time David is being ornery and the love we felt for each other when all our kids and grand kids are near. Tim's laughter, his smile and his love....continue to live on forever and in my heart....he will never be forgotten.

Okay...onto Day 2 of the song challenge. Day 02 – Your least favorite song. Like my favorite....there are many songs that could fall under my least favorite, however choosing this one was much easier. This song played all the time and everyone from babies barely able to speak to old people were singing the chorus to this. The song was done to death and in my opinion not much to listen to in the first place. So the winner for my least favorite goes to Baha Men and Who Let the Dogs Out?

Hope you find a cool place in the shade and have a wonderful Saturday!

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